Apanthropinization
(n.)
A rare and ancient word in the English lexicon, apanthropinization is defined as the act of withdrawing oneself form the state of humanity and inevitable turmoil and anxiety….
Although, phonetically and aesthetically, the word is harsh, its meaning originated from a delicate urge; the primitive human need to lust in beauty, particularly in the beauty of nature.without a doubt apanthropinization possesses hermit-like behavior, but surfaces from instinct . One does not retreat because he/she is bitter., but rather retreats to the primal urge to admire and become captivated by beauty and symmetry…..
I want to say so much and to so many but…. Where do I even begin…let me start here .
Rosa, Penny, Bree, Judy; y’all my girls, i love you bitches with everything that i am, and i owe yall an apology. i freaked, i panicked and i was hurt. On the real, i think that was the point i realized i needed to regroup myself cuz i was letting more and more get to me… The day of The “news” Travie, i don’t know what hurt more knowing that you were going thru that or that i found out thru a post, i think both but i got selfish & I reacted and disappeared without warning, i should have been more open and straight up with how i was feeling I see it as a blessing in disgise now as it was something i needed to do.. soul search and reconnect with myself especially with everything going i didn’t walk away i was gonna break,. and for that i am sorry.
Ryan, don’t think u know, i shared with you a lot but didn’t go in-depth it was, i was broken, lost, hopeless and was slowly losing myself i was at my lowest… i didn’t feel like i belonged or fit in or feel wanted even tho i didn’t care what ppl thought but i wanted to be wanted loved appreciated …even if .for a moment . I prayed for the gods to take me,. I wanted to be with my dad … Peacefully … Then that’s when u came in my life, and believe it or not your kindness and caring manner had gave me a new hope, a new reason a new feeling ,something that i vowed never to feel again and thought i could never feel again.. it truly was the little things that mattered SO without going into detail just want to say Thank you, just getting a text at times was all that was needed to change mood and make me smile…..know i wills always have your back no matter what, i got mad love for your conceited dingy ass, lol truly madly
Chey; My Dawg, Soul sista. i love u honestly don’t know what i would have done without you. we laughed we cried we hated and loved…you have been my voice of reason and you have been my sanity.. i know right? AND i wouldn’t trade any of those moments for anything.. you were my rock and between you and Ry brought me back to life…. you dont even know…
Deb Debbie and mama Deb, y’all have stuck by me since day one and are family…The 3 of you have Given me all the support, unconditional love and loyalty that helped me be who i am today,,i am sorry for not communicating. Debbie after dad died that was a lil too much for my anxiety and for me to handle and the fact that my dad and yours pretty much were taken too quick and too soon my heart couldn’t take it anymore;. i should have communicated better but i had to get myself back,.
Mare, you don’t know how grateful i am to have you back into my life. you were always there for me and always kept your promise no matter how difficult i was . you never gave up on me and i love you for it. you knew that i had it in me and kept pushing me and even when i didn’t respond you still kept on me.; that is something that i owe you my life for and you will always be fam;
Many will get it, others may still have questions and then there are those who don’t give a shit; Ultimately i did not write this nor share with y’all for approval; acceptance or pity I simply felt some should know what goes thru my head and how i felt. Save your criticism and judgement…Those whove decided to read this are either curious, or truly care to know.. Please note tho this isn’t pointing fingers nor placing blame or putting y’all on blast, these are my thoughts and feelings; Period.. well if you are still reading this, you’ve decided to continue, … So I welcome you to My Madness,
These been my Dark days……
As y’all know Lately I’ve pushed just about everyone away, family, friends even my besties, ride or dies, the few people who seen my darkness and stayed, all I can say is…
“She didn’t know who would leave or stay,
So she pushed everyone Away..
I’m Sorry.
I’ve isolated, ignored and even been a tad selfish. I’ve struggled with so much and didn’t want to burden nor for anyone to have pity on me or situation. You may be asking yourself., well whats so different,..
i just got tired…Mind body and soul were just tired.i was rapidly approaching my breaking point … so I walked away ,I had to WALK AWAY.. not from anyone specific nor situation just everyone; I needed to do that for ME…. otherwise im not sure what could’ve or would’ve happened. Yes it was that bad,
I got Tired of explaining my anxiety to ppl who didn’t care to listen or end up walking out of my life, tired of people saying one thing and doing another, tired of people dying around me and ALL the illness that strikes us…..all of us… i was tired of getting my heart-broken and used…..i was just fucking tired..
Not enough people realize how real anxiety is and that you cannot just “get over it” as most people seem to think. It causes breathlessness, dizziness, stomach pains, headaches, trembling and shakes, palpitations and extreme fatigue. The smallest of worries can be blown way out of proportion and start an attack, stuff you would probably laugh at if you knew and that’s not even including the point where you become a social recluse because you can’t face even your best friends.
i was getting so used to the solitude, that i was enjoying that more than i should have. And just as i knew the ones who used to check in daily, stopped. that turned into weeks into months. Some still check in here and there but not like they used to . hey i don’t blame them i would stop checking on me too.. but here’s the thing. it’s not that i choose to ignore everyone i sometimes CANT talk to anyone. this is what most don’t understand. I physically CANT. My anxiety gets so debilitating that even responding to a text is a process,. I wish I could “get over it” or “be fine”.if it were only that simple. but it’s not and im working on myself everyday. Yes its a struggle yes it’s the most complicated stupid thing ever. don’t wish this on my worst enemy.
MANY had tried and sympathize, to understand , to help and many stated THEY did understand;. as much as i appreciate the effort and all , im sorry but NOONE truly knows or understands.. it started upsetting me when ppls answer was “oh don’t worry Es i get it, i understand what you go thru”, NO YOU FUCKING DONT, So tell me
Do you ever look you the mirror and can’t help but cry cuz you don’t recognize who’s looking back?? do you stay up late and think back and all the bullshit you have gone thru and wonder why? DO ever just stare up at the sky crying uncontrollably asking to have the pain taken away, in any form? do you look back at your life and wonder what you possibly could have done to deserve so much pain? do you wonder who would miss you if you were gone? and sometimes think that your existence is just irrelevant ? do you get to the point that anxiety get so bad that you can’t leave the house to even walk your dog cuz your panic attacks are so bad? Do You ever just not care anymore that you stopped looking both ways when you crossed the street? Do you feel like you’re slowly getting crazier? do you ever get so self-conscious you just avoid interactions? So if you can’t say yes to 90% of these then, no, you don’t know.
This lil setback was the worst i have experienced in the few years that ive been dealing with this, it’s the most depressed anxious sad mad hopeless and distraught ive been ever. like combine every bad thing ive been thru and add 10 … like everyday i would cry, wishing everything would go away. by any means necessary. i pretty much have kept to myself, just wanted to be alone but there were a couple ppl that actually were my light thru this darkness and i cant explain it but i was at ease even if for just a few moments but they brought me outta my darkness and they probably don’t even know that they pretty much gave me my smile back, my hope and welll ………..me back.,
i had cried a lot more lately.,. I hardly am satisfied with the result of my actions. I have become more anti social and sometimes i am uncomfortable in my own skin,. I never feel good enough,. And wonder would actually miss me if wasnt around? Thought of suicide does not or has not crossed my mind nor will it ever,., but I still question my existence .
I try to live mindful and live right, being kind, thoughtful and treat everyone the same.. and yes i still “fake” happy at times trying to not burden anyone with my troubles. Call it pride, call it stubbornness, i just feel i need to be who fixes or struggles. ,alone. ,. I feel lost, confused with my existence. Reminding myself to smile, always! I try to keep my side of the street clean and always speak my mind. I want to regain my social life to an extent as ppl still irk me,. i have close friends and ppl i talk to on a regular but Yet I still feel incredibly alone. sometimes even Worthless. I know this too shall pass but ….when?
this by no means means that I am back to my bubbly self i still hate the world and am working slowly to integrate into the social scene just havent been too talkative and still need my alone me time lol i felt i needed to explain and apologize and thank …..I did some Soul Searching. meditating and just tried to grasp everything that was going on. I admit I don’t have it all together yet but its a start. i apologize for the lack of communication and disappearing act . It was something i needed to do. For me. I was always worried about everyone else but me . not exactly how i wanted to spend mu me time but its a start. thanks to those who havent left my side and know i love all of y’all. ….
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