dark days

Apanthropinization

(n.)

A rare and ancient word in the English lexicon, apanthropinization is defined as the act of withdrawing oneself form the state of humanity and inevitable turmoil and anxiety…. 

Although, phonetically and aesthetically, the word is harsh, its meaning originated from a delicate urge; the primitive human need to lust in beauty, particularly in the beauty of nature.without a doubt apanthropinization possesses hermit-like behavior, but surfaces from instinct . One does not retreat because he/she is bitter., but rather retreats to the primal urge to admire and become captivated by beauty and symmetry…..

I want to say so much and to so many but…. Where do I even begin…let me start here .

Rosa, Penny, Bree, Judy; y’all my girls, i love you bitches with everything that i am, and i owe yall an apology. i freaked, i panicked and i was hurt. On the real, i think that was the point i realized i needed to regroup myself cuz i was letting more and more get to me… The day of The “news” Travie, i don’t know what hurt more knowing that you were going thru that or that i found out thru a post, i think both but i got selfish & I reacted and disappeared without warning, i should have been more open and straight up with how i was feeling I see it as a blessing in disgise now as it was something i needed to do.. soul search and reconnect with myself especially with everything going  i didn’t walk away i was gonna break,. and for that i am sorry.

Ryan, don’t think u know, i shared with you a lot but  didn’t go in-depth it was, i was broken, lost, hopeless and was slowly losing myself i was at my lowest… i didn’t feel like i belonged or fit in or feel wanted even tho  i didn’t care what ppl thought but i wanted to be wanted loved appreciated …even if .for a moment . I prayed for the gods to take me,. I wanted to be with my dad … Peacefully … Then that’s when u came in my life, and believe it or not your kindness and caring manner had gave me a new hope, a new reason a new feeling ,something that i vowed never to feel again and thought i could never feel again.. it truly was the little things that mattered SO without going into detail just want to say Thank you, just getting  a text at times was all that was needed to change mood and make me smile…..know i wills always have your back no matter what, i got mad love for your conceited dingy ass, lol  truly madly

Chey;  My Dawg, Soul sista. i love u honestly don’t know what i would have done without you.  we laughed we cried we hated and loved…you have been my voice of reason and you have been my sanity.. i know right?  AND i  wouldn’t trade any of those moments for anything.. you were my rock and between you and Ry brought me back to life…. you dont even know…

Deb Debbie and mama Deb, y’all have stuck by me since day one and are family…The 3 of you have Given me all the support, unconditional love and loyalty that helped me be who i am today,,i am sorry  for not communicating. Debbie after dad died that was a lil too much for my anxiety and for me to handle and the fact that my dad and yours pretty much were taken too quick and too soon my heart couldn’t take it anymore;. i should have communicated better but i had to get myself back,.

Mare, you don’t know how grateful i am to have you back into my life. you were always there for me and always kept your promise no matter how difficult i was . you never gave up on me and i love you for it. you knew that i had it in me and kept pushing me and even when i didn’t respond you still kept on me.;  that is something that i owe you my life for and you will always be fam;

Many will get it, others may still have questions and then there are those who don’t give a shit;  Ultimately i did not write this nor share with y’all for approval; acceptance or pity I simply felt some should know what goes thru my head and how i felt. Save your criticism and judgement…Those whove decided to read this are either curious, or truly care to know.. Please note tho this isn’t pointing fingers nor placing blame or putting y’all on blast, these are my thoughts and feelings; Period..  well if you are still reading this,  you’ve decided to continue, … So I welcome you to My Madness,

These been my Dark days……

As y’all know Lately I’ve pushed just about everyone away, family, friends even my besties, ride or dies, the few people who seen my darkness and stayed, all I can say is…

“She didn’t know who would leave or stay,

So she pushed everyone Away..

I’m Sorry.

I’ve isolated, ignored and even been a tad selfish. I’ve struggled with so much and didn’t want to burden nor for anyone to have pity on me or situation. You may be asking yourself., well whats so different,..

i just got tired…Mind body and soul were just tired.i was rapidly approaching my breaking point … so I walked away ,I had to WALK AWAY.. not from anyone specific nor situation just everyone; I needed to do that for ME…. otherwise im not sure what could’ve or would’ve happened. Yes it was that bad,

I got Tired of explaining my anxiety to ppl who didn’t care to listen or end up walking out of my life, tired of people saying one thing and doing another, tired of people dying around me and ALL the illness that strikes us…..all of us… i was tired of getting my heart-broken and used…..i was just fucking tired..

Not enough people realize how real anxiety is and that you cannot just “get over it” as most people seem to think. It causes breathlessness, dizziness, stomach pains, headaches, trembling and shakes, palpitations and extreme fatigue. The smallest of worries can be blown way out of proportion and start an attack, stuff you would probably laugh at if you knew and that’s not even including the point where you become a social recluse because you can’t face even your best friends.

i  was getting so used to the solitude, that i was enjoying that more than i should have. And just as i knew the ones who used to check in daily, stopped. that turned into weeks into months. Some still check in here and there but not like they used to . hey i don’t blame them i would stop checking on me too.. but here’s the thing. it’s not that i choose to ignore everyone i sometimes CANT talk to anyone. this is what most don’t understand. I physically CANT. My anxiety gets so debilitating that even responding to a text is a process,.  I wish I could “get over it” or “be fine”.if it were only that simple. but it’s not and im working on myself everyday. Yes its a struggle yes it’s the most complicated stupid thing ever.  don’t wish this on my worst enemy.

MANY had tried and sympathize, to understand , to help and many stated THEY did understand;. as much as i appreciate the effort and all ,  im sorry but NOONE truly knows or understands.. it started upsetting me when ppls answer was “oh don’t worry Es i get it, i understand what you go thru”, NO YOU FUCKING DONT,  So tell me

Do you ever look you the mirror and can’t help but cry cuz  you don’t recognize who’s looking back?? do you stay up late and think back and all the bullshit you have gone thru and wonder why? DO ever just stare up at the sky crying uncontrollably asking to have the pain taken away, in any form? do you look back at your life and wonder what you possibly could have done to deserve so much pain? do you wonder who would miss you if you were gone? and sometimes think that your existence is just irrelevant ? do you get to the point that anxiety get so bad that you can’t leave the house to even walk your dog cuz your panic attacks are so bad? Do You ever just not care anymore that you stopped looking both ways when you crossed the street? Do you feel like you’re slowly getting crazier? do you ever get so self-conscious  you just avoid interactions? So if you can’t say yes to 90% of these then, no,  you don’t know.

 This lil setback was the worst i have experienced in the few years that ive been dealing with this, it’s the most depressed anxious sad mad hopeless and distraught ive been ever. like combine every bad thing ive been thru and add 10 … like everyday i would cry, wishing everything would go away.  by any means necessary. i pretty much have kept to myself, just wanted to be alone but there were a couple ppl that actually were my light thru this darkness and i cant explain it but i was at ease even if for just a few moments but they brought me outta my darkness and they probably don’t even know that they pretty much gave me my smile back, my hope and welll ………..me  back.,

i had cried a lot more lately.,. I hardly am satisfied with the result of my actions. I have become more anti social and sometimes i am uncomfortable in my own skin,. I never feel good enough,. And wonder would actually miss me if wasnt around?  Thought of suicide does not or has not crossed my mind nor will it ever,., but I still question my existence .

I try to live mindful and live right, being kind, thoughtful and treat everyone the same.. and yes i still “fake” happy at times trying to not burden anyone with my troubles. Call it pride,  call it stubbornness, i just feel i need to be who fixes or struggles. ,alone. ,. I feel lost, confused with my existence. Reminding myself to smile, always!  I try to keep my side of the street clean and always speak my mind. I want to regain my social life to an extent as ppl still irk me,. i have close friends and ppl i talk to on a regular but Yet I still feel incredibly alone. sometimes even Worthless. I know this too shall pass but ….when?

this by no means means that  I am back to my bubbly self i still hate the world and am  working slowly to integrate into the social scene just havent been too talkative and still need my alone me time lol i felt i needed to explain and apologize and thank …..I  did some Soul Searching. meditating and just tried to grasp everything that was going on. I admit I don’t have it all together yet but its a start.  i apologize for the lack of communication and disappearing act . It was something  i needed to do. For me. I was always worried about everyone else but me . not exactly how i wanted to spend mu me time but its a start. thanks to those who havent left my side and know i love all of y’all. ….

A little insight……

Fuk where do i even begin, please know that i have tried and am aware that  i should’ve posted this a few Dayz ago but i haven’t and still don’t have the words id like to say and i’m struggling to comprehend….and im sure a lot of you are questioning my more than normal weirdness and awkwardness, and my random emotional outbursts  s0 here some sporadic insight of where its stemming from and the state my mind is ..   

Rest in Paradise PApA Peñapapapena

“I think that the hardest part of losing someone,
isnt havin to say goodbye.
but rather learning to live without them,
always trying to fill that void the emptiness left inside your heart when they go”

“i feel so empty, yet so full of emotion,
like the smallest thing could push me over the edge.
what do you do when theres nothing but pain left inside you
and what if everything we are looking for only existed in our dreams
how do you explain something you dont even understand yourself

SO many thought and emotions are consuming me lately,.. so much going on, to many deaths, not e enough compassion, lies. deceit the list could go on and on. and on top of it my debilitating anxiety  and panic attacks not to mention insomnia.. i too am surprised im still somewhat sane

Words cannot even begin to describe the immense sadness, confusion, fear, anger and disappointment that continues to rushe thru me….life altering & life changing, thoughts and memories about losing my own father years ago and now a wonderful amaznig man who was like afather to me has suddenly passed… SO of course guess what some of my anxiety is stemming from… yup death. and the only question i have at the moment is  WHAT THE FUCK, GOD…is my continuous failure and struggle not enough? must you continue to teach me lessons that i have learned and passed…. like fuk go pick on someone else already.  i have a few you can start messing with asap that are way more deserving. go pick on someone your own size dammit…  like i dont even know how to feel anymore. soo fucking many people have been taken from my life i cant… i just cant….

.feels like just yesterday that Lauren was still in diapers, nick in elementary, {2nd}mom worked at the dentist office &  {2nd}dad  for Dunbar.oh and of course Debbie was once again my boss  .i never knew that this one decision, to be the live in nanny,  was prolly the best one ill have made in my entire life.

almost 20 years ago this family walked into my life and instantly my mom & I became a part of their love, loyalty and respect of which we never expected., i was just the nanny,but yet they accepted me, loved me, trusted me.And never judged  even after learning  i  was a (recovering) addict and never treated me any different And for that i am eternally grateful. this family was now an extension to my family..they loved me at my darkest and lowest and loved me til i  learned to love myself again. But how can i help them or be there when im dealing with more than i can..  hurts just as much as when i lost my own father, i wish i could be a better friend. i miss the old me. 

i have so much anger and sadness along with dealing with my anxiety/panic attacks it literally has prevented me from just about everything,……. i feel like i have failed this family in so many ways. words can not express how much i love you guys…..

pt.1 …….. pr.2 t0 be continued

Random Dark-thirty thoughts,…

It seems as tho I’m more overwhelmed and depressed lately and not to mention anxious as fuck and to be honest, i hate it,. I feel useless and see no need to make effort for anything as either i get no reciprocation, acknowledgments, or any feelin of accomplishment. Have questioned the powers that be (higher Power );on why he has all these “lessons” for me. Majority are repeats, like i know I’ve made mistakes, i know ive fuked up, ive tried and correct as many as possible and make amends if needed, but fuk i think I get it and i dont need any more “testS” lesson learned ,.. goddamn like i know imma fuk up must i be reminded constantly.?? I think i may have been the Devils spawn or someone terrible and just happen to be paying for it in this life. Cuz i have no other explanation,.why is it the ppl who try and do good, treat all with kindness get shit on while the ones who intentionally hurt others and are manipulative get off scott free., mindfuk!

I don’t feel i deserve 60% of what I endure and feel., I’m being punished for something. Idk what but obviously something.like i got my ex’s karma. No joke, i do whats needed, do all the footwork yet still get fuked,. I feel I am a good person and try to live right but its seems as its never enough….
I also question why he took my father instead of me. As it seems my mother needs him more and she would have been happier. I miss him terribly…More than i could ever express, its not fair,.

I’ve cried a lot more lately. Idk why just have. I sometimes hate my life,. I hardly am satisfied with the result of my actions. I have become more anti social and sometimes i am uncomfortable in my own skin,. I never feel good enough,. And wonder would actually miss me if wasnt around?  Thought of suicide does not or has not crossed my mind nor will it ever,., but I still question my existence .

I try to live mindful and live right, being kind, thoughtful and treat everyone the same.. and yes i still “fake” happy at times trying to not burden anyone with my troubles. Call it pride,  call it stubbornness, i just feel i need to be who fixes or struggles. ,alone. ,. I feel lost, confused with my existence. Reminding myself to smile, always!  I try and keep my side of the street clean and always speak my mind. I want to regain my social life to an extent as ppl still irk me,. i have close friends and ppl i talk to on a regular but Yet I still feel incredibly alone. Worthless. I know this too shall pass but ….when? It’s been “one of those days ” now for a couple of years..

and these are my random thoughts at dark-thirty am

Random thoughts/memories

Bad enough I can’t sleep. Completely overwhelmed and stressed out.. about 5am looked Down to look at the time glanced at the date..
The tears Flowed uncontrollably. I couldn’t figure out why??!! WHAT THE HELL??!! HUNDREDS Of thoughts and possibilities..baffled… Then it hit me……
Today..9yrsToday. Smh. The tears.Haven’t stopped. But I’m stronger than this. It will pass right?
Been a long time since I felt the Hurt I’ve endured. It sucks. Actually could care less but what hurts., what eats at me.., the ability to act like someone never existed. To act like it never happened. All the sacrifice. The hurt. The tears. the losing yourself in someone…make them your world do everything in ur power to help their success only to be instantly forgotten and the new chick gets all the credit? Wtf? Put thru hell and back to make sure the world was comfortable for us both… and the thanks that’s given is betrayal., lies, and pain…
And now all is left is fading memories… I never thought I’d have this much anger and spite for a Human let alone 2 humans. Needed to vent. Considering now my day is fucked…..

**revamped writing from Aug.2014.  

Jones- NSC , states that they never should have tested him for “street drugs”

Dear god. SO we just supposed to turn our heads and pretend this never happened and continue to overlook the issue here.. fuck… yes he is a good fighter that will not be taken away or discredited…that’s is irrelevant to the point … mutha fucker used CO CA I NE (no disrespect)… regardless If they “should have never tested for ‘street drugz'” he used ..he went to rehab (i applauded and give em props) the fact that he would have not gotten any repercussions is bullshit…. fighters have ‘Broken a toe ‘Or injured and stripped from the title., or benched and their title was fought interm for …..Nick Diaz got suspended for a year for weed and we still don’t even know if he was high during the fight!!!? .. are you fucking kidding me… way too early to get me started…lol
http://www.bloodyelbow.com/2015/1/7/7509759/ufc-182-jon-jones-cocaine-drug-test-failure-administrative-oversight-responsible-mma-news

As much as I ..

Nov.2014

As much as I want to say I don’t miss u…
I can’t
As much as I want to pretend this never happened…
I can’t
As much as I wanna walk away..
I can’t
As much as I want to hate u.
I can’t
As much as I wanna say don’t want to be in your arms.
I do
As much as I wanna tell myself things will be OK…
I cant
As much as I don’t want to say I don’t have feelings for you….
I can’t
I try and say my feelings weren’t real.. I can’t
As much as want to say I don’t want see you…
I can’t
I can’t because I do miss u. I do want to be in ur arms. I do feel. .and I can’t believe I fucked up to the point of losing u.
I want to see u. I want to make things right…
Can you honestly say u don’t..?

Things will never be the same….